The Kauboy's Last Stand

Island in the Sun

2010-02-18T00:48:00.003-05:00

There is this guy. He is sitting at this table. He looks exactly like me. This table is on a wood deck, old and worn with age. He is wearing a faded pair of cargo shorts, frayed at the hem, dollar store flip-flops, old t-shirt and once-expensive sunglasses rest high on the bridge of his nose. Before the deck is an empty beach, the mid morning sun glaring with the promise of another hot day. Thebeach is swallowed by a patient blue ocean, waves glittering like the schools of fish that dart in the shallows of its waves.

He stares out at the water with empty eyes; the occasional white cap reflected on the surface of his shades. There probably isn't fifty dollars to his name, but damned if he doesn't look like the happiest man in the world. A few tourists walk by, but pay him no mind. He is often forgotten and dismissed by those around him as one who 'ended up' like this or was 'washed up' or 'washed out'; as if he was the end product of some undesirable result. Precious few know that this was his goal; that he considered this an achievment. One of these few walks toward him from the small shop behind him. He hears her sandals clop against the board walk - a cadence that fills him with joy.

He smiles as she walks past, her brief gazes washes over him like the cool ocean soon will. His white toothy smile mirrors the seaspray that erupts from the breakwater; whiter still on the back drop of skin browned by the tropical sun.

I sit here, in my office, in the middle of a large congested city, and wonder about this guy. I wonder how I can bring him out of the pages and into the world. I have plans, and ideas, ways to shuffle off the romantic ideals and exchange them for achievable realities. This place I'm in, it motivates me to find this guy.

At some point, I'm going to have to make one last stand.

2009-03-17T10:23:00.002-05:00

I'm not drowning. That is to say, I wasn't drowning. Thought I was, but no, wrongo yet again. Perfectly sound, wet, but sound. I feel the cold rocks below me, slimy, covered in moss. Strage what four feet of water can do to man who forgets to try to stand up.

1968 Mercury Cougar

2008-12-31T08:30:00.006-05:00

This was one of the first cars my dad purchased after moving to America. We were at dinner the other night and somehow ended up on the subject of cars. Who would have thought my dad loved American Muscle cars? "This car would inch up a hill without a foot on the petal." My dad doesn't speak too much about the past unless prompted, so whenever it happens I listen up b/c I usually learn a few things. This was a gem.

Back in the day dad was a bartender. He would always get home at 3am and there would never be parking in Chinatown - where he lived at the time. He didn't want to park too far away from his apartment b/c the walk would almost guarantee a mugging or worse (remember this was 30+ years ago when coke fiends and gangs roamed free). So he just pulled up to his building and parked in front of a fire hydrant with the intent to wake up early the next morning to move the car. But more often than not he didn't wake up in time. Back then parking tickets were about $5 to $15 depending on the violation. After a while dad had compiled a very impressive $4,000 worth of parking fines.

One day, he was in a rush to visit his mom at the hospital and decided to illegally park near a hydrant again. After his visit he walked out onto the street only to find his car missing. Naturally, he thought someone stole his baby. So he walked 3 blocks to the local police station and reported it. After a week or so there was no news of his car. Then the phone rang. It was a friend of his who told him, "Hey Andy, you're in the Times - your care is being auctioned!"

Apparently the police had his car, but never connected the dots back to my dad's police report. My dad, after some careful deliberation went to the auction and outbid a couple of would be deal seekers to buy his car back for $900 (under a different name of course). He really liked this car. As far as he was concerned, he made $3,100 because he got out of paying for the parking fines.

The moral of the story is: true love always defeats municipal ineptitude.

2008-12-09T05:10:00.003-05:00

Relax. Things have a tendency to come full circle; so if you missed it that first time you can catch it again on the comeback.

"Not Haley's Comet daddy! If you miss that you have to wait like a 100 years!" she said.

You only have to wait 75 years, so it's still possible.

"REALLY!!!"

The End is Nigh?

2008-11-25T01:59:00.002-05:00

Have any of you heard all about the hubbub of 2012? Apparently there is a huge Apocalyptic Mythos surrounding this year - which is right around the corner. Well if you haven't heard yet you will. There is a major motion picture starring John Cusack set to release in the near future called - you guessed it - 2012. And in the spirit of Y2K I am sure we will be bombarded with new reports, TV shows, Discovery Channel documentaries, T-shirts etc...

Here are a few helpful links for you to prepare yourself with the next time one of your nerdier friends starts off a conversation with, "Hey what are your thoughts about the completion of the thirteenth B'ak'tun cycle in the Long Count of the Maya calendar?"

First and foremost wikipedia: 2012

If you are interested in attempting to survive the end of days, please check out Survive 2012. Personally I am going to treat dying in the Apocalypse as a mark of distinction. Fuck cancer, old age, poisoned milk, or traffic accidents... it's gonna be the mother-effin' Apocalypse that takes the Kauboy out! If I plan it right, it's gonna be me, a lot of whiskey, and 13 top of the line Vegas strippers that will march me into the next world.

Here is a more graphic depiction of what we can expect... I could not have picked a better soundtrack. Sleep tight kiddies!

Kauboy out

How the US-Bailout Works

2008-11-18T23:38:00.001-05:00

Props to my cousin Jason who uses his time at work to give me great satire spam!

How the US-Bailout Works

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck: "Well, then just give me my money back."

Farmer: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck: "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

Farmer: "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck: "Sure I can, watch me! I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck.
Farmer: "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Goldman Sachs...

EZ TV

2008-11-18T21:15:00.002-05:00

A couple of months ago my buddy, Stu, turned me on to a great site called EZTV. It is basically a Torrent Library that archives and updates all the hot TV shows. This is money for an expat such as myself. Instead of having to really on the paltry cable options that HK offers I know get the latest programing from the US the same week they air.

My Current lineup includes:

Chuck
The Unit
Entourage
House
True Blood (I highly recommend)
Dexter

So if you miss your old TV shows I suggest you check this site out!

The Pac is Back

2008-11-18T04:13:00.003-05:00

That's right people, the world's most awesome video game is now on my blog. Delight slackers!

God Doesn't Do Taxes

2008-11-12T23:04:00.002-05:00

To quote one of my favorite contemporary social commentaters, Deniis Miller, "I don't want to go off on a rant here but...."

Recently I was offered some tickets to go see Nick Vujicic's Testimony that is taking place at teh HK Expo center for a limited time only. It was an innocent gesture, but it got me thinking...

Some of you may have noticed Nick's posters at the MTR stations. It is basically a story of a young man with a huge disability who manages to keep on keeping on with some help from the Big G.

Now do I think Nick's story is inspirational? Of course. Do I think Nick's disability is tragic? Certainly. Do I think it is absolutely wonderful that he can take such a positive point of view regardless of his physical conidtion? Definitely. I would go so far as to say he is a better man than me, as I doubt I could deal with it in the way he has.

His solution? How'd he do it? Good ol'God. He comes in handy when we are faced with tragedy and hoplessness. I'd be hard pressed to come up with any other solutions to situations like Nick's.

Do I want to go see him talk about it? Do I think I will gleam some greater understanding from what he has been through and his relationship from his lord and savior?

Hell no. (Poor choice of words - sorry!)

Listen, religion is awesome for helping people during those tough times where you feel like you just couldn't go on with your life. There have been times in my life where I wished I was religious so I'd have a support system for which to rely upon. But please don't, for one second, think that hearing about one specific persons way of coping can somehow help you with whateer problems you are facing today. Unless of course you find yourself in a position simial to Nick's.

What I am trying to say is, there is no need for the average Joe/Jane Doe to go see Nick speak. For the average person all this amounts to is proselytization. And quite frankly, we're all brainwashed enough.

If you have had your legs shorn off at hip from a shark attack and don't kow how to go on with your life go see Nick.

If your entire family has died in a horrible train wreck and no amount of therapy has helped, go see Nick.

If you're having trouble finding a mate, a job you like, a circle of friends... get off your lazy ass and help yourself.

Take your mundane, non-interesting, everyday issues and do what everyone else does: Deal with it. Don't lay it all on God. He's got better things to do (e.g. Nick).

In fact, the only people other than the tragic cases that I have been alluding to who have any sort of reason go see Nick are aspiring Christian Rock musicians.

Ok so to recap the only people who should go see Nick are: The Tragically Hopeless and the Tragically Hopeless musicians.

God doesn't do taxes.

Random Movie Quotes that Have stuck with me for some reason

2008-11-11T03:51:00.004-05:00

some are pretty well known, others you'll have to google.

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

Well, I believe in the soul. The cock. The pussy. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitution Amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days...Goodnight.

So there's this guy Walsh, do you understand? He's tired of screwin' his wife... So his friend says to him, "Hey, why don't you do it like the Chinese do?" So he says, "How do the Chinese do it?" And the guy says, "Well, the Chinese, first they screw a little bit, then they stop, then they go and read a little Confucius, come back, screw a little bit more, then they stop again, go and they screw a little bit...then they go back and they screw a little bit more and then they go out and they contemplate the moon or something like that. Makes it more exciting." So now, the guy goes home and he starts screwin' his own wife, see. So he screws her for a little bit and then he stops, and he goes out of the room and reads Life Magazine. Then he goes back in, he starts screwin' again. He says, "Excuse me for a minute, honey." He goes out and he smokes a cigarette. Now his wife is gettin' sore as hell. He comes back in the room, he starts screwin' again. He gets up to start to leave again to go look at the moon. She looks at him and says, "Hey, whats the matter with ya. You're screwin' just like a Chinaman!"

I did have a test today. That wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialist? They could be fascist anarchists - that still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism - he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles - I just believe in me." A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus - I'd still have to bum rides off of people.

Prince Humperdinck: First things first, to the death.
Westley: No. To the pain.
Prince Humperdinck: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
Westley: I'll explain and I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog faced buffoon.
Prince Humperdinck: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Westley: It won't be the last. To the pain means the first thing you will lose will be your feet below the ankles. Then your hands at the wrists. Next your nose.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my tongue I suppose, I killed you too quickly the last time. A mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
Westley: I wasn't finished. The next thing you will lose will be your left eye followed by your right.
Prince Humperdinck: And then my ears, I understand let's get on with it.
Westley: WRONG. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing," will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
Prince Humperdinck: I think your bluffing.
Westley: It's possible, Pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable, vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. But, then again... perhaps I have the strength after all.

We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Let America Be America Again by Langston Hughes

2008-11-05T00:58:00.001-05:00

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

End of the Lane

2008-09-27T01:07:00.006-05:00

You sit there slouched, looking at the other rollers from under the brim of your cap. You note their faults as there are many, but you look away before long, hoping your mind did not subconsciously make one of them your own. You hear the rumble and the pop of twenty odd lanes in the packed house; the occasional bang when a ball is dropped. You are restless so you stare at your shoes instead - Rentals with orange stripes, and you tell yourself you aren't good enough yet for your own pair. You tell yourself that 190 will beat ninety-five percent of the people you face, but is it good enough? If you stick with it long enough there will be a day where ninety-five percent is meaningless. You look up at the fat man in lane 5, already on his eight strike; bowling probably the only thing keeping his arteries from fully clogging. He bowls to live, how can you beat that? Then you see the small Asian woman, a mother of two, a south paw with the most obscene form you've ever witnessed; until you notice the screen: 255 with one frame to go. So you nod to your rentals, knowing you won't dare slide before you correct your own faults. You need to beat them. You'll never admit it to even your closest of friends, but these people, routinely disregarded on the streets of this busy metropolis, have become your most worthy of adversaries.

Before your thoughts turn too dark you feel a tap on your shoulder. It's your turn, and with that all thoughts vacate your mind. You are a robot. You recognized long ago that the power to be constant, to be able to repeat, was the key. If you weren't strong at anything else, you knew your mind was, and that was good enough in this sport. You're either smart enough to recognize and adjust or dumb enough to be good. Those that fall in between consign themselves to frustration and move on.

So you flow through the process: Wipe down the oil your ball gathered from the previous roll; Set yourself up on the lane; Right foot left of center and left foot two dots over; Bend your knees and present your ball to the target.

There they are, gleaming in their white innocence. But you know otherwise. That shine, that red choker, so clean, so obnoxious, so... false. You know that there is only one truth and that truth is about to accelerate down the pine, and with the proper spin coefficient, display to all onlookers what that truth really is.

You exhale, and with bent knees approach the line. Four steps, release, turn of the wrist and the universe goes silent. Time slows as you watch the revolutions spin down the lane. You are at the end of your stance, a speed skater making that final turn to glory. Impact. Time stops and you see the pins rise, all of them, at haphazard angles and you know, you know... It's that moment you live for. It's in that instant you see him in all his perfect chaos. That first millisecond after a car crash, after a bomb detonation, after dish hits the floor, after the big bang. Boom. You smile and nod to him, thank him for this life and this world and turn back around to reality, find your seat, slouch, and begin to brood again.

LHC

2008-09-10T00:35:00.002-05:00

So at approximately 1:30pm HK Time the Large Hadron Collider became operational. Just at that moment I noticed an ill feeling in the pit of my stomach. Could it have been the McDonald's I ate for lunch?

OR!!!!!!!!!

Did a small black hole open up inside me and really mess things up. I'm freaking out now, b/c I kind of have to poop. Will my bowel movement end the world? That would be cool in an existential sort of way I suppose, but I really don't want to be that guy. You know, eons from now, another group of scientists will have their own LHC and figure out Leo Kau shat and ended his dimension's existence.

But what if the whole black hole thing is bogus? Instead, what if a trans-dimensional worm hole opened up in me and the result of my next bowel movement would be the birth of some hyper-intelligent being from the beyond with the ability to bring world peace via the new technologies he could introduce to our race?

New technologies that I could sell to world leaders at a huge profit...

I think I am going to risk it. In 15 minutes LKA is going fully operational. If the universe ends... my bad.

In Line

2008-09-03T11:43:00.002-05:00

I am waiting in a room. Before me are booths and before these booths are chairs. In these chairs are people... waiting like me. I sit there with my clip board and paperwork. I am holding form CD401, passport renewal. There is a couple sitting beside me with a new born, they have form AF511, citizen application. I begin to day dream. The guards downstairs confiscated my smart phone, promising its safe return upon my exit of the premises. They gave me a small plastic chip with the number '55' inscribed on it. I can't play solitaire with this chip, so I sit there, and slip in and out of a day dream.

"Vincent Shea? Vincent Shea, please come to booth 3," announces a young customs official. She is in her mid twenties, and she as a heartland drawl. She's probably out exploring the world on the government's dime. During the day a paper pusher, at night... the possibilities are endless. Hong Kong, like any big city, is fun for the young and the ambition-less.

Vincent ambles up to the booth. He is a tall man in his middle years who reminds me of a high school gym teacher, an athlete past his prime. He announces his intentions while passing his paperwork beneath the window pane. He is seeking citizenship for his son. His wife is from China, and their son was born there. Now he wishes to bring him to the States.

"Are you positive you are the father?" the agent asks. My ears perk up. She explains further, "I don't mean to imply anything, it's just that by in large the most cases of fraud we receive in Asia are from women claiming their children were fathered by American Citizens, so we just need to be sure."

Vincent, shows no signs of offense and calmly replies, "yes he is mine."

The agent looks at a picture of the child and makes some comment that he does look part western, then nods to herself and says, "Okay," and makes a tick mark on the application. She then goes into reciting the protocol necessary to naturalize Vincent's son and I start to fade away again. She asks if she can call the number Vincent listed on his form to verify certain details of Vincent's story to which Vincent responds:

"No, I do not want my family to know."

"What do you mean?" our fair haired agent asks. Vincent begins to scramble for an answer, as I scramble for a pen and pad, praying for something good.

"My wife back home... I do not want her to know." Most excellent! Not for his wife back home of course, but this type of juice doesn't just get squeezed everyday. It seems Vincent's infidelity has manifested into some sort of perverse confessional at room 141 of the US Consul General in the HKSAR. How awesome for me. Lie to your wife dear Vinny, but never to your government - a true patriot!

"This child is 9 and he was diagnosed with cancer at 5, I can't get him the treatment he needs here so I have to bring him back." Heartbreaking... if true. Balls of steel if false. They go back and forth a bit, clarifying some details. I get the sense the agent also has not had this type of drama in her day job for quite some time.

I look around and the queue is riveted as well. How golden would it be if someone on the line recognized Vincent? Some old high school friend, who chooses at that very moment to say something like, "Vincent Shea? Is that you? Well I'll be a monkey's uncle - how long has it been?"

Instead, all I hear is:

"Leo Kau? Leo Kau please come to booth 9." Damn you!!! Damn you to hell!!! I need to know if the boy dies of a horrible disease, doomed by a star-struck love that should never have been... or... or.. gets saved just moments from the grave by a adulterer's rare act of decency.

"Leo Kau, booth 9 please." Gah!

I hate my government.

thailand

2007-09-19T10:10:00.001-05:00

i was at a club opening in bangkok and they staged a small fashion show:

yea i know

2007-09-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

been traveling a lot, and working a ton. just not very inspired right now. i am in danger of being content with my life and that just kind of kills a writers flow... yo. like i doubt Hemingway or Fitzgerald would have written anything worth a spit if they were content or even borderline happy. misery is my muse and by god i haven't been miserable in quite some time! too busy i suppose. sorry readers. rest assured that if tragedy strikes you will be the first to know!

kb out

Hong Kong Handover Day

2007-07-05T08:44:00.000-05:00

Shot from outside my window during the 10 year anniversary of Hong Kong returning to China

toothpaste

2007-06-14T01:33:00.000-05:00

Yo what's the deal with toothpaste? There are so many different kinds... is it really necessary? Tartar Control, Whitening or Cavity Fighting, etc... Are there people out there who when shopping for toothpaste stop and think, "well gee, I hate tartar, but don't mind having a cavity or 2 so....".

Do these people exist? If not, wouldn't it be prudent for a toothpaste company to make a tooth paste that does all of the above?

______________________

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Hit That! The Gym that is...

2007-06-06T07:00:00.000-05:00

Buddy pointed out this great advert to me and I had to share it. Brilliant!!!!

Desperate Measures

2007-05-29T04:40:00.000-05:00

It happened again last night. While I was on the treadmill, I spotted our gym's spin instructor rocking a pink thong. The last time this happened I almost died.

***FLASH BACK***

The spin room is directly in front of a bank of treadmills that I use. Through the glass I see her mount the stationary bike... her back to me, facing her class. How firm she is, I think to myself. She attaches the heavy microphone pack the the back of her spandex bike pants and the class begins. It starts off slow, a rythmic undulation to a beat unheard. Then it starts to pick up, the undulation becomes a churning. Then during the more energetic phases of the class she rises up, peddling with all her might, screaming encouragement to her class. All the while the battery pack is yanking her spandex ever lower... like I'm talking more scandalous than Britney in her better years.

I run faster, my heart is thudding, sweat issuing forth from all parts of my body, my iPod sings to me "Shake that ass for me, girl shake that ass for me". I silently thank and curse Eminem for being such a gifted lyricist. I look down, 8.0 mph on mile 5. I am breaking personal records here. I look up to see the spandex reaching new depths and then... my right foot clips the side of the running machine and gets sent forcefully backward as my upper body pitches forward. My face is about to meet its crushing end on a sweat-stained Nordatrack dashboard, but I manage to catch the side rails at the last moment. Think Tom Cruise in MI-1 inches above the vault's sensor-laden floor - yea like that but a lot dorkier.

I use my nose to push the emergency stop. I look around. Luckily, no one has taken notice. I towel off my face and head to the locker room to take a cold shower.

***End Flash Back***

This time i was prepared. With speed set to 4 mph and newspaper firmly placed on the dashboard in front of me, I was able to safely witness this sight of sights. All 25 glorious minutes of it while burning 49 calories.

Safety first my friends, safety first.

Mean people suck.

2007-05-20T21:00:00.000-05:00

It’s a bumper sticker. It’s the mantra of cheese eating hippies the world round.

I was called ‘mean’ when I was back in the States this month.

At lunch I was asked how I liked living in Asia. I gave my generic response:

“I like it. I like how it’s different from here. It stimulates me… Hong Kong is like NYC, but with a higher concentration of hot Asian girls.”

A guy’s reaction to this statement ranges from nods to high-fives. Gals mostly roll their eyes or express their disgust orally via “ew” or “gawd”. However, today I had an unexpected response. A homely young lady, who happened to be within earshot of my conversation, took it upon herself to interject her view regarding the latter part of my statement:

“Ugh, my girlfriend moved to HK last year, she says the Asian girls steal all the white guys. She said she had two potential boyfriends leave her for an Asian girl. Why do they do that out there? Is it culturally acceptable to be that way?”

To which I responded:

“If by ‘culturally acceptable’ you mean being, on average, ten times hotter than any white girls I’ve seen there, than… yes, yes it is.”

To which her response before storming away was:

“Ugh, mean people suck!”

Now I can get pretty nasty; nastier than even Tab Energy Drink if the situation justifies it… but not quite as nasty as www.tubgirl.com.

Was I wrong here? I hear the complaint all the time from white girls with over 35% body fat complaining of a lack of love interests due to ‘loose’ Asian morals. It’s not fucking loose Asian morals ladies; it’s the loose skin hanging over your belt buckle.

In the beginning there was...

2007-05-18T05:02:00.000-05:00

My compadre from back in the day, the Cuban, checked in with this pic. Looks like the cat is out of the bag. Yes, I do have a people. Yes, I do plan on taking over the world. And yes, I am part of the KISS Army.

Hong Kong Skyline/Light Show

2007-05-15T07:38:00.000-05:00

This is taken from the first level of my building. A light show takes place every night at 8, right outside my living room window. There are lasers that criss-cross the harbor, but they are nearly impossible to capture on film.

Streets Have No Name

2007-04-29T18:08:00.000-05:00

M...

2007-04-21T10:08:00.000-05:00

E

T

S

METS METS METS

Now I know why I liked the spring...

yea baseball and...

(booty)

Spring is Here

2007-04-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

And I am headed back to the states. I'd like to say it was for some R&R but work calls. I will be in training in Cincy and Chi-town. Luckily, I managed to route my travels around NYC so I will be in town for the weekends of April 14 and 21 and May 12. Hope to catch up with all of you then.

yup that is a red panda. very spring-like no?

RIP Grandma

2007-04-04T09:37:00.000-05:00

Growing up as a woman in China during the early part of this century could not have been easy. But you were a looker. You caught the eye of a wealthy banker's son. He married you and then expected you to cook and clean up after him while he partied. You left him, only to have his mom beg you to come back. You only did after he promised to change his ways. Big house, fancy clothes, nice jewelry was the norm until the communists came.

Having fled the communist revolution in China and having to raise a family in refugee circumstances in Taiwan, one would think you've had your share of challenges for a lifetime. Then you picked up and moved again. This time to a place whose language and culture couldn't be more different from your own. Then you had to raise me while Mom was working as a waitress and cashier and your youngest daughter still had to finish high school and college. Then after that you had to take care of both my cousins, your son's kids, when he moved to the US as well.

Mom told me that you once had to sell most of your jewelry to get her a college education. You were also a school teacher and a card dealer.

I remember one time for breakfast you made me hot cocoa b/c it was my favorite. But I protested and said that it tasted weird. You told me to shut up and drink and get ready for school. You walked me and Rob to elementary school everyday, then walked to Mom's Superette to help out there.

Later that day, the day you made me the funny cup of cocoa, I realised that you had mistaken the salt for the sugar. But I didn't say anything, because I never wanted you to stop making it for me.

Much Love,
Leo

Strange

2007-03-27T05:10:00.000-05:00

KB here.

Got back from another stint of globe trotting and had this msg left on a scrap of paper from Mr. X below:

"Hey man, things got a little hot down in Cebu, had to bail. I'll fwd you a PO Box when I get set up, ttys

ps - thanks for letting me vent, if I have time i will write some more"

it was buried into the head board of my bed by a switch blade. strange dude. but genuine.

anywho, just ogt back from Australia, and I am headed to Chicago in April. No sharks, and even less women, but lots of fun with the old crew from BU. Go Terriers.

Congrats to Sam & Kel on your wedding!

Another one bites the dust.

here is the view from the balcony of our chateau on Avoca Beach:

Part 2: Borrowed Time

2007-02-04T11:53:00.000-05:00

In life, the only thing we are guaranteed is that one day we will die.

They teach you to leave the scene of a job as calmly as possible. Don't run. So as I strolled out of the Intercontinental in downtown Jakarta I even stopped to ask the pretty concierge if she would have a drink with me later on in the evening.

The death of a young democratic upstart made the evening news. I watched with mild interest as the media deemed it a political assassination. The opposition party would be the natural suspect. No one would ever guess the good old USA. Afer all we want to promote democracy all over the world. We want small, largely under educated countries around the globe, with abundant natural resources, to become empowered and self reliant... you get the idea.

The hypocrisy and politics didn't interest me. The taking of another man's life did. The finality of it breathed life back into me. The notion that I fooled so many people in this act aroused me like nothing else could.

That night I met the pretty concierge, Lina, at a night club called BATS. We had a steak dinner, some wine, and decided to dance. So flushed with life was I, that I pulled her close and kissed her. I whispered that she should come back to my room. She said she wanted to, but had to return home to her husband before it got too late.

We're all on borrowed time if you think about it.

Before: Part 1

2007-01-30T12:19:00.000-05:00

Prologue:

"I am a killer", I said.
"Well we all have to be something," replied KB.

It was that response; its tone, its delivery, the smirk below a pair of desperate eyes, that made me believe I had finally met someone who understood. I would like to thank KB for giving me a chance to tell my story and for providing me a forum in which I can retain a certain degree of anonymity - at great peril to his own well being.

Part 1

In order to have the middle and end make sense I need to offer you a brief insight into the beginning - "The Before" picture of me. Without this you would find yourself questioning the veracity of the horrors that I am about to relate to you.

I was the son of immigrants. Raised by a single mother since the age of four; my father having returned to his country of origin, disavowed of the illusions that America was the land of opportunity that everyone spoke of.

My mother did what was necessary to make ends meet. She taught me that ends truly did justify the means and that if there was anything I really wanted in life, I would have to fight, steal or kill for it. I did a lot of the first two, but did not have a taste of the latter until I graduated college.

I discovered at a young age that I was an empty person. Able to absorb and react to everything around me. I could be anything to anyone, and as such many people were friends with me, but I was not really a friend to anyone. I went through the motions, did what was expected of me. Decent grades, decent girlfriends, decent life. But I was so very, very bored. Bored with life I told myself, and on more than a few occasions I thought of ending it all.

College came and went and I still couldn't quite find a place, a purpose. I decided to join the army, not because I had any patriotic notions, but because I had nothing better to do. As a college grad I was told I would be enlisted as an officer, and after an examination or two I was told to meet with an advisor for special assignments.

In a musty hotel room in downtown Boston I was told that the Army wasn't for me. Let the poor, uneducated masses be Democracy's meat-shield, I was meant for other things. These other things turned out to be training as a CST for the CIA. Clandestine Services Trainee... don't be embarrassed, I went straight for the dictionary as well.

To my dismay, working for the CIA was also quite boring. Lot's of data mining and information gathering. Field work was left to those with not just training, but experience. I had voiced my displeasure to my director and he offered me an out: Go off the reservation and sign up as a private contractor.

I did. And 3 months later I was staring into the vacant eyes of my first kill.

New Beginnings

2007-01-30T07:49:00.000-05:00

Your friendly neighborhood KB will be taking a vaction from the Last Stand. I will be replaced for a spell by someone slightly more sinister... and boy does he have a story for you!

Thanks, Mgmt

2007-01-23T00:09:00.000-05:00

my life as a mngr, thus far in the corp world, can be best summed up as such:

Even Because

2007-01-16T09:19:00.000-05:00

by Ralph Angel (one of my favorites)

Because it all just breaks apart, and the pieces scatter and
rearrange without much fanfare or notice.

Because you can't and don't remember the step that kicked up
dust and left this planet—you'd give up even more now.

Because the body itself—the heart's

not dead but deeper, wrapped up in curtains, a different color,
among the railings and the pigeons, the rooftops and
walls—

for all you know it's a question of bread

or beer.

Because even love

returns. The city's all brightness

and shadow, deckle-edged, bluer than air—there's no help
anywhere—you no longer know how to listen.

And love says, love—midnight to midnight,

already ablaze. And the boulevard—wide-open. And the well-
stocked crowdless market, and a lone taxi blears.

Even happiness—the way anger's come back to roost again.
And joy, though joy's not in the ear or the eye. On this
walk.

The gulls hover offshore and the islands are speckled with fire.

Even love, even because.

_________________________________

who can tell me what this poem is about?

I'd Like to Give a Shout Out...

2007-01-12T04:36:00.000-05:00

...To the multitudes of poverty stricken, uneducated, and desperate people who find the power within themselves to get out of bed and put in an 18 hour work day to make fancy clothes and trinkets for the 15% of people in this world that can afford that sort of thing.

You guys rock!

Your country's government has made a conscious choice to keep you down because it keeps the costs of production low and therefore increases the amount of business my country wants to conduct with yours.

Your leaders get wealthy. Your bosses get wealthy - and heck, even people like myself get wealthy too.

Actually, you're the only ones that get the bum end of the deal. But you don't realize it. You're too busy trying to feed your families to get involved with tyring to improve your station in life.

Your daughters and sisters have become prostitutes because they could not handle the daily grind of the factory life, but you're too tired to care. At least they send money home when they can afford to. You're just happy they haven't committed suicide like the unfortunate girl from the family next door.

Your gumption and perseverance in the face of absolute hopelessness is most impressive. I applaud you.

yours truly,

conflicted

Home Comings

2007-01-06T01:42:00.000-05:00

Only Here for a week, so I dedicated it to the Fam:

here is the grandma, moi, and the bro - in descending order of sexiness

Happy Holidays & Happy New Years

2006-12-24T16:05:00.000-05:00

Wishing you all the best. Be safe.

If any of you guys are traveling in the first quarter of 2007 and want to meet up here is my schedule:

January 1 -3 I will be in Cincy
January 4-5 I will be in Chicago
Febuary 7 to 11 I will be in Vietnam
Febuary 12-25 I will be in Columbia and the Honduras
March 16 to 26 I will be in Australia

Boracay Pics

2006-12-20T02:24:00.000-05:00

My Holiday Card for the Boys:

Composing my memoirs, tentatively titled: The Kauboy's Last Stand - Life is Hard, and So am I

"You have the hands of a conjurer!"

The water was awesome - crystal clear!

The beach view from Station 1 to Station 3

The time came to finally sport the ink of my ancestors.

Philippines Here I Come

2006-12-12T05:18:00.000-05:00

It seems I am always traveling to places that have either recently gone through or are currently going through some sort of crisis. With Bangladesh it was the riots, and tomorrow I am off to Manila, where 2 hurricanes have recently wreaked havoc across the country. Thousands are dead. This should be fun!

I am a Sourcing Manager. That means my company needs me to find stuff for them... on the cheap. I do an ok job, I think. I passed my character test with flying colors: "Highly adaptable, highly motivated, with questionable morals..." (if you were wondering, I do take that as a compliment), and I can usually locate something in Asia for about half the price that my company currently pays. If work requires me to check out any potential opportunities in a country like the Philippines, I go.

Regardless of its currently climate, political or meteorological.

Regardless of potential terrorist activities.

Regardless of death, famine, and disease.

Why?

Because I can get away with booking an extra night at places like Boracay!

Wish you were here!

Vue

2006-11-25T23:48:00.000-05:00

It was a clear morning so I managed to get a decent pic from out my living room window at the harbor and skyline. My cam is not good enough for the night shots, so I am going to have to figure something out - b/c the light show every night is pretty awesome.

53rd Annual Macao Grand Prix

2006-11-21T07:19:00.000-05:00

Macao is an island south of HK. It was formally a Portuguese colony and still has a lot of Porty flava. It is also the "Vegas of Asia". Heinz, Metz (my new cool coworker/boss) and I descended upon this unwary isle last weekend to spectate the Macao GP. We scored tickets at the Lisboa Turn - Cars go VRRROOOOOMMMM!

ON TO THE PICS!

Racer Girls... Something about scantily clad hotties on a race track makes me appreciate the heterosexuality I have taken for granted all these years

Beer Wench

I swear there are pictures of the actual race somewhere...

I'm rolling, they hating, patroling, trying to catch me riding dirty...(gentlemen, to fully appreciate this pic, click on it and then maximize it)

Her head is blocking the fucking car!!!!

These are the Honda & Acura Rice Rocket Racers

He blew his engine during the Superbike portion of the race. Good sport though.

The F3 cars were flying by so fast it was hard to get a good shot - can't imagine what an F1 race must be like.

Heinz and yours truly... real men of genius

PS - I would like to dedicate this post to Pu Jiang Ai, a beautiful Korean girl who loved to love to love me. For you Koreaphiles out there who are thinking, "that does not sound like a Korean name" - you're right. I wasn't able to pronounce her name properly in her native tongue (Pak Jian On - or some shit) so she was nice enough to translate it into Chinese for me. Anywho, what I am trying to say is you, Ms. Pu, rocked my world, and you will be the bar to which all future "love connections" are measured... and ladies, she set that bar very, very high.

Dhaka: The Writing's on the Wall

2006-11-15T08:52:00.000-05:00

The longest 48 hours of my life. Had to visit the sunny capitol of Bangladesh for work... and then a mini civil war broke out. I shit you not - to the left is a pic from my hotel room. Police were beating and killing protesters outside my hotel. Word leaked that the transitional govt in charge of holding elections for the next administration were somehow corrupted by the previous administration and all hell broke loose. Knock on the door at 7am and my boss says, "Pack quick I think I got us a ride". The ride was an ambulance, apparently that was the only type of vehicle that wasn't getting mauled. Quick trip to a local travel agent for some tickets to Bangkok (no direct flights to HKG that day) and we sped off for the airport. In a country about the size of New York with a population of 100 million (US pop is approx 300mil) travel in the best of times is slow. We finally made it to Thailand and eventually back to HK. All in a days work boys and girls ...ok maybe 2 days work.

"You think they are Bengal's fans here?" - My boss, he is from Cincinnati

Down the block from my hotel, a Best Western no less....

Rickshaws like these are the preferred way to travel

My Ride! We even turned on the sirens when the crowd got too thick.

Those towers are actually brick ovens and pepper the landscape for miles around. People dig up the clay near the river and bake them into bricks.

This is a knit factory that I was shown. Here is where the sleeve of your DVF sweater gets attached to the body.

Made It!

2006-10-30T03:49:00.000-05:00

currently holed up in a hotel room kowloon side with 6 philipina hookers and a pound of blow. more to come.

Peace Out

2006-10-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'd like to thank all ya all that came and sent me off for the umpteenth time. Thanks to you I will have a wretched hangover on a 15 hour flight. All crying babies will be in danger of being smothered.

I'll post back here when I hit the other side.

Peace.

ETD: 10/28

2006-10-13T11:11:00.000-05:00

So that is it. I am out like Britney. I begin work on the 30th. When I get situated, I will fwd my info to all ya all so that when you come to HKG it will be party-time-excellant!

Drugs + Booze + Women = Fun Bachelor Party

2006-10-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

This weekend the boys were back in town and we brought the house down. Condo's in Queens, indo for weeks... you know the deal. But b/c it was what it was, no pics and no names. We are just going to pour some liquor out for one of our homies who found his ride or die girl. Big ups! (I also managed to sprain my shoulder in a drunken attempt to jump over a railing into the VIP section of Crobar... which probably wasn't the brightest idea since i had access anyway).

As for the Kauboy, I am still in NYC on a holding pattern to hear word for when I need to report for duty in the HKG. SHould be in the next week or 2. So until then I will be chillin out on the LI or the NYC watching my Mets make some history.

Let's Go Mets

2006-09-24T13:38:00.000-05:00

Been hitting up some Mets games as my time stateside winds down. Once I find the usb cord for my cam I will put more pics up, but here is one of my cousin Jerry and I. It was bucket hat give away day:

He Lives!

2006-09-01T13:13:00.000-05:00

So I survived. For a sec there it was touch and go but through strength of will and faith in my god, David Hasslehoff, I pulled through. So here's what really happened:

I had a lipoma lodged right below my sternum. b/c of it's central location they thought it could be a hernia.. only one way to find out. It was a lipoma, so they removed it, stitched me back up and sent me packing. But not before I got a free chest shave.

My anesthesiologist was nicknamed "Punch". He was a portly Indian man and when I asked him how he got his nickname he raised his fist at me and said (in a strong Indian accent), "If you do not go down, I will take you down!".

This Week in IM's: Freak Bird

2006-08-24T13:43:00.000-05:00

This Week in IM's brings you a special treat. Mutant bird sexually assaults my good friend Brian.

Brian: check this out: http://www.oregonlive.com/search/index.ssf?/base/science

Brian: The newspaper had also this picture: http://picasaweb.google.com/vattiat/StrangeBird

KB: wait, wtf is this real?

Brian: It also ran on TV in Portland, And got submitted to the AP yesterday, And I got a $50 "Freelance photography contract"

KB: this is getting blogged, you are going to be famous, i am going to want my 10%
Brian: so does Craig, Sam, and my dad

KB: so this is awesome, there is a disease out there that can give you a second head i can't wait until it crosses species
Brian: hopefully my second head will grow somewhere closer to my penis, because...you know...

KB: those fucking scientists disputing your 2 headed bird - they are just jealous!
"oh it's just a pimple" losers

Brian: yeah, it's all about politics with these ornthologists
(This is Brian to the left, with his gnomish death ray)

KB: dude that totally looks like a second head to me

KB: will you be taking down the feeder to reduce the tranmission of disease?
i say no, fight the power, but that's just how i roll

Brian: I'm hoping that feeder will someday be a shrine to my scientific achievements. So it'll probably hold it's value better if it stays where it is

Is this the End of the Kauboy?

2006-08-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

The end of August will bring some significant changes to the life of your friendly neighborhood Kauboy. Firstly, my association with the RCG finally comes to an end. It's bittersweet really. Sweet b/c I am going to get to slack off for 1 month. Bitter b/c I don't get to hang out with the FINE ASS that wanders the office corridors. Secondly, on August 29th, the Kauboy will be going under the knife for the first time in his life. You heard correctly. I am getting surgery. They need to remove a growth right below my sternum. They think it could be a hernia as well but won't know until they cut me up. If I don't make it I want you to know I loved all of you... esp the good looking ones that let me hit it and quit it (you know who you are). I want one of you guys to bring a camera to my funeral take pics and post them back here. It's only fitting. If I do make it I may delete this post b/c I plan on telling all the ladies in HKG that I got this scar from a knife fight. That's just how I roll.

Homeward Bound

2006-08-15T22:09:00.000-05:00

After much hassle my travel agent finally secured me a seat on a Saturday flight back to the land of the somewhat free. I had the worst time trying to get a ride back b/c students are heading back to school and terrorists are making bombs out of gatorade. On the bright side, I must say I am looking forward to this particular home coming for the following reasons:

1 - Labor Day weekend - I didn't miss summer this time! I hope someone included me in their plans. I will bring my own beer - I swear!!!
2 - Moving out - I am forced to get my personal life in order b/c I am moving to another country - CRAZY! Not that I've had much of a personal life recently.
3 - My new boss said he announced me at their annual meeting last week and everyone was excited. They want me to stop by HQ in Cincy before I leave for HKG. I feel like a 1st rd draft pick - I better produce!
4 - I think I will try to go on vacay... for the first time in like 3 years!! I am feeling socal b/c Cali's got gunplay, models on the runway, screamin Kauboy gimme one more chance.
5 - Get to see my hot girlfriend... wait, I'm single. Ladies, my mercedes! Fit 4 in the back, 2 if your fat!
6 - EMMMM-EEEEEE-TEEEEE-EESSSSSSS! Mets are playing meaningful games in August/Sept!

Lying to Girls

2006-08-12T04:39:00.000-05:00

We've all done it, and we'll most likely continue to do it. We do it in varying degrees, and take it to different levels. Sometimes we go too far, and sometimes not far enough. Some people consider it immoral and others think it's an art. But the truth of the matter is that sometimes you really need to lie to women b/c you never know how things will turn out. Here is a great example. My friend "Nunzio" emailed this to me last night:

So my friend Jerry was kicking it to a hot asian girl
yesterday, and when she asked what he did he said "I'm
an actor, a member of SAG, the Screen Actors Guild"

Which is total bullshit...anyway, she believed him,
and said that she worked for a TV company, and they
were shooting a commercial yesterday afternoon for
Samsung... They needed someone to fill in for one of
the actors that bailed... make a long story short,
Jerry was in the commercial, posed as a TV delivery
man, with a samsung one piece jumpsuit and a hat...
got off the truck and pumped his fist in the air and
yelled "we are samsung!"

Look out for the commercial in December... classic..

This Week in IMs: The Safety Tube

2006-08-10T02:07:00.001-05:00

My cuz, Tical, like any rational human being, questions the latest "safety" technology issued to him from his employers (pls note he works for one of the largest financial institutions in the world). This sort of reminds me of the days following 9-11 where those of us living in the tri-state area were instructed to go out to Home Depot and purchase masking tape and plastic sheeting...

[09:44] Tical: inside it has a shitty michael jackson like mask, a weak ass glow stick even fucking druggies at raves wouldnt use, a packet of shit water, and a half ass whistle fucking crossing guards wouldnt use
[09:45] Tical: dude
[09:45] Tical: it's so pathetic
[09:45] Tical: the fuck am i going to do with that
[09:45] Tical: i work on the 47th floor
[09:45] Tical: of a 59 story buidling
[09:45] Tical: they should give us a parachute
[09:47] KauboyIMu: hahah
[09:47] KauboyIMu: that is great
[09:48] Tical: man, i dont know if should feel safe about getting a safety tube or be scared

The Safety Tube

2006-08-10T02:07:00.000-05:00

[09:44] Jason Kau: inside it has a shitty michael jackson like mask, a weak ass glow stick even fucking druggies at raves wouldnt use, a packet of shit water, and a half ass whistle fucking crossing guards wouldnt use

[09:45] Tical: dude
[09:45] Tical: it's so pathetic
[09:45] Tical: the fuck am i going to do with that
[09:45] Tical: i work on the 47th floor
[09:45] Tical: of a 59 story buidling
[09:45] Tical: they should give us a parachute
[09:47] KauboyIMu: hahah
[09:47] KauboyIMu: that is great
[09:48] Tical: man, i dont know if should feel safe about getting a safety tube or be scared

Trip to Beijing

2006-08-08T22:37:00.000-05:00

Had to go to Beijing with Boss and Kids - here are a few pics:

Random alley in Beijing:

Climbed to the top of part of the Great Wall... almost died. Luckily, there was a dude there with a six pack and was "nice" enough to let me buy one off him for 15RMB. That's about the cost of a 12-pack... here is the hustler:

here is the climb that almost ended KB's time in this mortal realm:

here is ME in all my phalic glory, standing in Tiananmen Sqr:

Here are some pics of the digs in HKG:

I Done Did It

2006-07-28T09:45:00.000-05:00

Well, come October you are looking at the new Manager of Sourcing, Asia Div for the world leader in corporate apparel services. I will be living and working in Hong Kong full time and making my best attempt to have a blast at the same time.

I'll be back for a brief stint in Aug/Sept.

Vin & Will, get ready.

Terriers, get ready.

Highlanders, get ready.

It's go time.

King Koopa

2006-07-24T22:51:00.000-05:00

So I was doing a little research on my name, my Chinese name, and discovered something. In pingying my name is pronounced Gao Li Ao; pingying is a method of transitioning Chinese characters to phonetic words. Now the first 2 characters are easy to translate: Gao (aka Kau) is tall or high; Li is strength. But Ao is where I had some difficulty. As it was explained to me, Ao was a sea creature, and also the elder son of the Dragon. It looked like a cross between a Dragon and a turtle. Then it fucking dawned on me. I was named after Bowser, aka King Koopa - the badass from Mario Bros. I am ok with that.

seen here guarding the pathway to the Jade Emperor at the Forbidden City:

test your might!

2006-07-20T01:58:00.000-05:00

http://www.alllooksame.com/

post your scores

Respect

2006-07-16T20:35:00.000-05:00

Confucius say, "Inner palm equals love, while outer palm equals respect"

Ok, I confess Confucius probably didn't say this, but wise words none-the-less.

The respect that I want to talk about today however is of an entirely different kind. It was a hot an humid day, much like most days here on the south china seas when I decided to rock my Mets jersey. Baseball is far from popular around here and I got a couple of stares from the natives, obviously wondering what the wacky guai lo was wearing.

Then I noticed a separate group of asian gentlemen staring at me, and when I looked their way they all gave me the nod of respect. These dudes were Japanese, and in the baseball gods are strong there. I nodded back and went on my way.

Moral of the story? Mets rule.

Want to see A dead guy?

2006-07-08T03:34:00.000-05:00

Probably not if you're normal, but I had to step over one on the way to work today.

There I was, lil ol'innocent KB bopping along to his ipod. Curious, I think to myself, it's awfully early for a crowd to be gathered in front of my office building (there is a large screen TV that plays movies and people usually gather to watch, but only after work). So I pushed my way through the crowd and almost trip onto a dead body.

He was face down on the sidewalk, with his sneakers off and neatly placed side by side next to his feet. He was dressing in a dirty pair of shorts with his ass crack showing and a dirty tank top. All signs point to a villager that could not adjust to city living - there are many. Any more than I care to know turn up like this.

I've seen dead people before (no not like the 6th sense, though this one time when I was a kid - nah we won't go there) but I never actually had to hop over one.

It didn't affect me the way I thought it would. I guess CHina is rubbing off on me. Most of the crowd laughed about it as they walked away. Not an evil type of laugh if you can grasp that, but more like, well glad I'm not him kinda laugh.

Perspective:

Death is the only thing any of us are guaranteed. Everything else in between is what you make of it, with a splash of luck (bad and/or good). So instead of losing my appetite, my breakfast tasted a little bit better that day and I had a whole lot less to complain about.

A day in the life...

2006-07-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

i'm huge... in asia

Seal Cub Clubbing Club

2006-06-30T13:05:00.000-05:00

Ever wake up feeling an intense desire to bash the shit out of a baby seal? Don't get me wrong they are cute and all, but sometimes, when something is too cute, I feel the need the need to end its cuteness. Kinda like a Garfield-Nermal relationship.

However, before you pick up that club, you have to take a step back and ask yourself, "why do I feel this way?".

Well for me it started at 3AM this morning when a bunch of drunken delinquents decided to 'ring and run' every hotel room on the floor. I peeped out the peep hole just in time to catch them disappearing into the room directly across from mine. I was angry... I wanted to kill them all in their sleep, b/c I had a massive head cold and was still jet lagged. That's why I woke up in a very bad mood. But instead of joining the Seal Cub Clubbing Club (ie taking my vengeance out on something that annoyed me, but wasn't the direct cause of my anger) I decided to get even. 2 well placed pennies near the hinges of their door (a trick I learned in college when a senior showed me how to lock an RA in his room), one hand over their peep hole and one laying into their buzzer. The joy, nay the bliss I felt as I heard their hungover screams and curses. I would be lying to you, my dear readers, if I said I didn't get a semi when I heard one of them, on the verge of tears, exclaim "Why! Why!?!". I left after about 3 minutes, leaving the pennies in place and telling them to "keep the change" in chinese.

PS - Special shout out goes to Tical, who turns another year older today.

This Week in IM's

2006-06-28T02:43:00.000-05:00

Here is a cool excerpt from a convo with my friend Jen, who lives/works in Africa!

[15:08] Jen Schlect: want to hear our crazy ass safari story though!!!?
[15:08] Kauboy: oooo
[15:08] Kauboy: yes
[15:09] Jen Schlect: Leo!!
[15:09] Jen Schlect: of all my safaris this was the craziest EVER!!
[15:09] Jen Schlect: we went down to this really remote national park in the south. stayed at this luxurious tented camp.
[15:10] Jen Schlect: it was really beautiful. right on the river bed, so you sit out on your private balcony and watch the elephants walk right by.
[15:10] Kauboy: tents with balconys?
[15:11] Jen Schlect: they build a fire, and hang lights all around to keep animals away...but you are totally in the bush
[15:11] Jen Schlect: so we had just sat down for dinner, after having drinks by the fire.
[15:11] Jen Schlect: i had just taken one bite into my lovely little pastry appetizer...when i hear a growl RIGHT behind my fucking chair!
[15:12] Jen Schlect: the owner of the lodge- chris- was sitting right beside me, and he lept up.
[15:13] Kauboy: oh shit
[15:13] Jen Schlect: "everyone stay in your seats and don't move" and he moves quickly to where the fire was. all the guys start circling the area with charcoal, and chris grabs a lanter and his gun..
[15:13] Jen Schlect: all of us were fucking paralyzed at the dinner table.
[15:13] Kauboy: AWESOME
[15:13] Jen Schlect: watching him.
[15:13] Jen Schlect: i could understand what his staff were saying in swahili, and they were fucking scared.
[15:13] Kauboy: if somone dies this will totally make my This Week in IMs section
[15:13] Jen Schlect: we were being hunted by more than 15 lions!!!
[15:14] Kauboy: FUCK YES
[15:14] Jen Schlect: totally NOT cool. they had surrouned the table.
[15:14] Jen Schlect: i had seen the eyes right behind me.
[15:15] Jen Schlect: so anyhow (you're not going to like this)
[15:15] Jen Schlect: chris and his guys start spreading hot coals around behind us...
[15:15] Jen Schlect: and some grunting and growling continues.
[15:16] Jen Schlect: meanwhile i'm totally assessing the people in the group, and figuring how many people 15 lions would need to kill..and how many people i could out run.
[15:16] Kauboy: NICE. that's what i would be doing, I am SO jealous
[15:16] Jen Schlect: (i figured i was in pretty decent shape comparitively- but was pretty scared for my parents)
[15:17] Kauboy: LOL your parents were there?
[15:17] Jen Schlect: (how guilty do i feel that I actually DID that)
[15:17] Kauboy: you're scum, pls go on!
[15:17] Jen Schlect: anyhow...chris returns to the table, saying that "they lions were surprised by us and with the lights and charcol would just pass by, but that yes he had counted 15...so there were more he was sure"
[15:18] Jen Schlect: "so everyone stay calm, the food is being served"
[15:18] Kauboy: lol
[15:18] Kauboy: and you slept well that night?

It's Like This and Like That

2006-06-27T20:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks for all those who decided to send me off Friday night. I woke up feeling like shit and probably didn't pack as well as I should have. Also, did anyone punch/slap me in the mouth? I woke up with a cut and swollen lip. The fuck?

I arrived safe and sound in HK Sunday night. Managed to catch the ENG vs EQ game at an English pub - needless to say the place went nuts when Beckham finally decided to bend one.

Had my little business meeting on Tuesday, which when very well. Let's just say my life will be different in t-minus 2 months. Still single tho ladies, so keep those nasty pictures coming.

more to cum.

Exit: Stage Left

2006-06-20T16:54:00.000-05:00

Heading back to HKG on Sat. I will miss friends/family, but like always when I know I'm leaving, I wish I were already gone. Waiting blows.

I regret not getting a chance to see some friends, but when you are away for 2/3's of the year it seems that whenever you're back everything is so jam packed. So to my boys from B-town, NJ, Chitown and MIA, & my homies in cell block C, keep it real until next time. Again, the invitation is open, all you have to do is get on that plane.

There may or may not be a big change in my near future, but I will know a little more in the coming weeks. Right now I won't elaborate b/c I need to manage my expectations.

Later,

KB

Wedding Pics - Yay!!

2006-06-19T10:25:00.000-05:00

CONGRATS TO JAMIE & RICHIE

May the coming years find you with much happiness and many children :P

On to the pics!

Here is the happy couple:

Herricks High School Allstars:

Cool Guys Stand in the back please:

Our Table (After the first 3 rounds were cleared away):

My date Dave (who was cheap, wouldnt dance OR put out... bitch):

Last Hurray?

2006-06-11T20:11:00.000-05:00

So I am at this bar Friday night speaking with a coworker and my cousin when these 3 mammas stroll past. I shamelessly stare, as does my cousin, while my coworker, a female, notices but remains silent. My cousin then decides to give his unbiased critique of the aforementioned ladies: "the first one is hooker hot, but the last one is take home to mom type hot" to which my coworker responds with "so that means Leo will like the first one". The fuck did i do? So i'm staring down "hooker hot" when her friend, "take home hot" recognizes my cousin and flags him down... so my fellow kauboy ends up knowing all the girls (even dated "take home hot") but failed to recognize them as he not to quietly voiced his opinion of their looks. Good thing they didn't hear ya. And that leads me to my "This Week in IMs" section where cuz tries to defend himself:

[18:28] tical: i get drunk but i remember stuff and i am sure i wasnt the one to point out how the girls looked
[18:28] Kauboy: fuck you , you saw them before i did
[18:28] tical: yea
[18:28] tical: i know
[18:28] tical: but i didnt say anything i was just staring
[18:28] Kauboy: fucking checking them out and didnt even realize you dated one
[18:28] tical: tracy saw me staring
[18:28] tical: and she made the comment
[18:28] Kauboy: lol
[18:29] tical: yo
[18:29] tical: it was dark
[18:29] Kauboy: i'm not even that bad
[18:29] tical: i was into my 5th beer
[18:29] tical: i had a full days work
[18:29] tical: plus she had her hair tied back
[18:29] Kauboy: yea so you could she her face more clearly
[18:29] tical: shit but at least i recognize enough to stare at her
[18:30] Kauboy: lol you would have stared at any girl
[18:30] Kauboy: as long as she was cute
[18:30] tical: my radar only picks up hot chics
[18:30] tical: no fugdar

Saturday found me out again at this place called Cain. It's one of those, you got to be a poser or a player type places with bottle service and armani suited bouncers. Flanked by my boys from the hood we drank the night away with Jen and her lovely companions (the ones who had the pj party that i missed). It was great and I want to tell you more but I just don't remember much. We partied and danced then we left to a friend's bar in the village and drank some more... at some point I was at a diner around 7AM then it all went black.

my partying days are numbered.

****I would like to give a bonvoyage shout out to my boys Vinny and Will - see you guys in HKG.****

This Week in IM's

2006-06-07T10:50:00.000-05:00

I always ask permission to post these, so pls don't not IM for fear of making my blog. besides, i'll make you famous.

[11:43] jen: how exhausting
[11:43] Kauboy: you dont even know
[11:43] jen: we actually ended up staying in and drinking at my place
[11:43] jen: in pajamas (*****all hot azn girls i should point out*****)
[11:43] Kauboy: damn, so i shoulda came
[11:43] jen: and skanky tops
[11:43] jen: pillow fights
[11:43] jen: the whole deal
[11:43] jen: ha
[11:43] Kauboy: this is getting blogged
[11:44] jen: oh whatever
[11:44] jen: great
[11:44] jen: you could have typed it for all anyone knows
[11:44] Kauboy: yea, but i have street cred so
[11:44] jen: so you think
[11:44] Kauboy: psssh, my pimp hand is strong yo

Zuul was the minion of Gozer

2006-06-05T00:39:00.000-05:00

I think it was about half past midnight on Wednesday, after we had purchased a bottle of wine to take up to the room, that a thought occured to me: "I'm probably not going to see home for a while..."

Forgive me if I have trouble relating the following events in chronological order, for 'order' was not on the menu.

What could have happened:

I had plans to party with my friend for her birthday, while trying to squeeze in a trip to Boston to see other friends. I had to turn down a trip to the Kettle 100, but I hope you rocked it out there in Wisco Pi. At some point my boy Ariel from Miami called and told me to get my ass down there...

What did happen:

Cali Incarnate, aka Monica, decides to drop in on NYC. We had dinner on Weds at Eatery and bar hopped all night. I recall rocking out to Andy Mac live at... some bar, having sake at Bamboo 52 and finding out that Theory, though cool looking, is a gay bar. Bought a shirt from BR for work Thurs, and then had a biz dinner with some Chinamen, Cali and Bill Murray aka Dr. Peter Venkman. Partied all night again, Cali missed her flight, I almost went to SanFran, but decided I had to go to work instead (shoulda went right? I had a great time nonetheless! XOXOXOX), oh and thanks for the shirt for work cuz, I will dry clean it, eventually. Met The Craig for lunch and drinks, almost went to boston but thunderstorms closed the subways and delayed flights - I ended up hitching a ride with my cousin Jerry to... Atlantic City, with my boys Sean, Rich and Stu in tow - found myself at the Taj Mahal poker room at 2AM up a hundred bucks and desperately needing sleep. Woke up Sat AM (next to Rich who has sleep apnea and a penchant for blanket hogging), hooters for lunch, more poker, lost it all, back to NYC all-u-can-eat sushi, past out from exhaustion (next to rich again) and finally back in my own bed after...5 days!

I am sure I missed something important, but the point is it was crazy and it was fun. Thanks for all those involved. Monica, post some pics here if u can (mine suck). I promise I will make it to the west coast, that's where I want my ashes to be scattered someday!

This Week in IM's

2006-06-01T14:40:00.002-05:00

Blog has been removed

Today is a POTUSA kinda day

2006-05-30T11:38:00.000-05:00

You, Lynard Skinnard-hat and
Me, little kitty
Sat across with a velvet jacket
Wild orange hair and dark, dark eyes
I gawked like a twelve-year-old - smitten
Carla the stripper,
straight from L.A.
You seem cool for a naked chick in a booth
Let's be pals some day
In other words,
Put some clothes on and call me

Subway Series Wager

2006-05-23T14:21:00.000-05:00

For you non-NY'ers out there the "Subway Series" is when the Yankees take on the Mets during the interleague part of the season's schedule. I have made a lifetime wager with my boy Stu of $5 per game with an additional $5 if there is a sweep. He is a silly Yankee fan, and I am for the Metropolitan's. I will be keep track of this wager on the side panel of my blog:

$0

Say what's the difference between...

2006-05-18T04:54:00.000-05:00

a hurricane and a typoon anyway?

The terms "hurricane" and "typhoon" are regionally specific names for
a strong "tropical cyclone". A tropical cyclone is the generic term for a
non-frontal synoptic scale low-pressure system over tropical or sub-
tropical waters with organized convection (i.e. thunderstorm activity)
and definite cyclonic surface wind circulation (Holland 1993).

Tropical cyclones with maximum sustained surface winds (see note below) of less than 17 m/s (34 kt) are called "tropical depressions". (This is not to be confused with the condition mid-latitude people get during a long, cold and grey winter wishing they could be closer to the equator ;-) I am going to hump you (Kau 2006) Once the tropical cyclone reaches winds of at least 17 m/s they are typically called a "tropical storm" and assigned a name. If winds reach 33 m/s (64 kt), then they are called: a "hurricane" (the North Atlantic Ocean, the Northeast Pacific Ocean east of the dateline, or the South Pacific Ocean east of 160E); a "typhoon" (the Northwest Pacific Ocean west of the dateline); a "severe tropical cyclone" (the Southwest Pacific Ocean west of 160E or Southeast Indian Ocean east of 90E); a "severe cyclonic storm" (the North Indian Ocean); I am going to hump you real good(Kau 2006)and a "tropical cyclone" (the Southwest Indian Ocean) (Neumann 1993)

Random Thoughts

2006-05-17T02:00:00.000-05:00

- Fantasy baseball is in full swing, after making some earlier deals to get rid of Hideki Matsui and G. Sheffield (both of whom are on the DL) I am sitting pretty in 5th place. Why am I in 5th? B/c I traded Shef for Lidge who has developed a control issue. I bet he has a hot girlfriend that is messing with his mind. Also, any of you guys realize what Albert Pujols is up to? He has a 3 to 1 BB to K ratio and has jacked 19 homers in 37 games. The closest anyone has come to that (other than Barry) was some dude named Ted Williams who had that ratio in the '50's with less dingers. Pujols is 26.

- Big ups to my boy Raja Bell who had me whooping at work when he drilled a 3 to send the game into a second overtime that his team eventually won. It's not the same watching it on gamecast, but I will be back this weekend to catch the tail end of the playoffs live. Sorry Nets, you got Elima-Waded.

- Biggest typhoon in the recorded history of the South China seas, Chanchu (it means Pearl... even in Asia they name destructive forces of nature after women) is headed my way. It should be over by the time I have to fly out. Crosses fingers, and battens down the hatches. I heard it sunk a cargo ship already, hopefully my goods weren't on it.

- Sam my man, here is the plan. John and I are definates to head to your wedding next March in Australia. He will meet me in HK for a week, then we both head downunder together. We also plan on partaking in Shark Diving. You will be coming with us. It will be a week of strippers and sharks and shrimps on the barbie. I still haven't met your fiance, but I bet she will love me.

My Life is Complete

2006-05-15T02:07:00.000-05:00

I made it to the first page of Google:

Also my last name means "The Summer Months" in Hawaiian, which is pretty cool b/c I am all about the summer. Google your name and see if anything interesting pops up. Let me know.

Back in the USSSA

2006-05-13T04:11:00.000-05:00

Next week. Can't wait. Need foooood. Got a 10AM flight out of HKG to JFK, should land sometime around 2PM Sat.... unless my place goes down in the Pacific and I get stranded on what I think is a desert isle with the remaining survivors but it really turns into a life/death battle with the strange native who were once just like us.... Going to spend friday in HK. Gonna hit up TGIF for a fat french onion soup followed by a chicken quesadilla... mmmmmmmmm saturated fat. I think I am sporting 3% body fat right now, which I plan on tripling in my month back. So if you see me, feel free to feed the wild life. AAAHHHhhh-WOOOOOOOOO!

Zombie Outbreak

2006-05-10T22:28:00.000-05:00

What would you do in a zombie outbreak? I ask this b/c the local cable station is on a zombie movie kick and I have little else to do at night. But the question is a serious one. Sure, a zombie outbreak is not likely, but you never know - and having a plan can one day save your life and the lives of those you love. So email me or post your plan of survival. Here is mine:

First I would determine what type of zombie I am up against. Now we all know that a zombies goal is to suck our brains out and if bitten by one we will be infected by the zombie virus and eventually join their ranks (think lawyers or talent agents of the undead)and that only massive head trauma can kill them permanently (same with lawyers/agents oddly enough). However, we must establish whether or not they are slow moving zombies or runners? Strategy changes to a great degree based on this.

Common Strategy: This section will go into detail regarding the parts of my strategy that are the same regardless of what types of zombies I am facing. My first goal would be to arm myself and then head for safety. Weapons of choice would be semi automatic weapons and side arms, follow by and instrument with the ability hinder a zombie from getting to close to me. The common glock is ideal. It is light weight, easy to use, and you could probably pull it off a corpse of a fallen officer. In case you have never used on before, instructions can be found here. If you aren't lucky enough to get your hands on a fire arm, your next best bet would be a lengthy blunt instrument (ie baseball bat, shovel, fireplace pokers, etc...). The idea is to bash their skulls in before they get to you. Next you need to find a safe place. Remember that old Tool song about the end of the world, where the chorus was "Learn to swim!"? Well you should learn to swim b/c zombies can't. Put water between you and zombie nation and you will be safe - then all you need to concern yourself with is food/water before the calvary arrives.

Slow Movers: These zombies, although scary as easily avoidable so long as you keep your wits about you. They can't climb, have trouble with stairs, and for the most are as mobile as your obese neighbor stumbling home from the bars early Sunday morning. Grab your loved ones, some provisions and head to the aforementioned safety areas. They only really pose a threat when they surround you enmasse.

Fast Movers: Ok, these guys are much more troublesome. You'll probably not have a chance to grab all the provisions you need, and may not even be able to save your elderly loved ones. You must regress to a survival of the fittest attitude here. Get your ass in a car, and head to the most sparsely populated area you can think of, only stopping to get necessary provisions. Remember you can't out run these guys for long - they don't stop when they get a stitch in their side and their hammy's don't cramp up like yours do. Remember that gym membership you have and probably don't use? Time to get on the treadmill fatty or your toast. With these guys it's think quick or you're the other white meat.

Misc Comments: If you don't think you will survive a zombie outbreak it's better to blow your brains out beforehand. You will increase the chance of human survival by not joining their ranks. If possible, make sure to have a hot babe with you. You may responsible for repropagating the species so you may as well enjoy it. Hotties are also good in case you are caught unawares by the undead - you can always push her into them and make a quick escape. Save the last bullet for yourself. Would you rather be eaten alive or pull a Kurt Cobain? I'd choose the latter.

Well, this is what I have learned, I hope it helps. Rest assured, if your zombie ass comes after me, I will do my best to put you out of your misery.

(Original Artwork by Kauboy)

Boogie Pimps

2006-05-08T00:47:00.000-05:00

I came across this gem of a remix in @ a club in Shenzhen. Heinz and I thoroughly enjoyed so I thought I would share:

COmings and Goings

2006-05-06T01:58:00.000-05:00

- looks like I will be back stateside end of may. I plan to chill with the filthy americans dogs until about mid/end june.

- Heinz left China today to head back to Chicago, ending a most crazy chapter in our lives of being gringos in sino. WAAAAAAIIIIIIII? LIANG NUI HAO!

Rock on Adam - I will check you in NYC this summer!

- Had an official weigh in this morning and am 79.6 KGS for fury! That's a 175 lbs... making me about 10 lbs below cruising weight for someone of my height. Don't worry though, I make up for it with machismo.

NBA Playoffs

2006-05-04T05:08:00.000-05:00

I think I may be missing the best first round in the history of the NBA Playoffs. Every morning I click on ESPN.com and have to surpress vocal outbursts while watching the dinky Gamecast broadcasts. How about Lebron? If he keeps his head straight I may have the luxury of being able to follow 2 of the NBA'a best players... maybe even the top 2.

"I have no respect for him. I think he's a pompous, arrogant individual."
Raja Bell, about Kobe Bryant

I'd like to give a shout out to my boy Raja Bell for almost ripping Kobe's head off. Sure Kobe is a superior player, but on the playground you can be better, but you bleed just the same. Unfortunately, in the NBA you get fined and have to sit out a game.... worth it imo. FYI - In college, I beat Raja in a pick-up game (of the Playstation variety, but whatever). He played for BU his freshman year before he transfered and we hung out a couple of times b/c another one of my good friends was also on the the team. He is a good guy and his hard work is finally paying off - this past summer he signed with the Suns for $26 mill. Baller.

Hey Mistah, Just 1 Dollah!

2006-05-02T22:01:00.000-05:00

Sigh.

As Heinz and I made our way around SZ this weekend, a 4 year old little girl came up to us and started to beg for a buck. I scoped her mom looking on a little ways away. The girl even had enough sense to bail as we neared a street corner where an officer was standing. Trained to be a loser at the age of 4. How so you think she going to turn out? Criminal? Prostitute? Drug addict? Dead at 15?

My coworker also got mugged this weekend by a machete-weilding motorcyclist. No one was hurt, but it must have been intense. I asked why she was hanging out in a seedy neighborhood. She said she was around the block from our office. That's great. Good job officers.

Bom-Chicka-Bom-Wahhh

2006-05-02T03:54:00.000-05:00

What Do I Miss?

2006-04-28T03:58:00.000-05:00

People always be up in my grill asking me, yo Kauboy now dat you flow futuristic in China what you miss the most from back home? I miss 2 things.

My Dog:

and Mexican Food:

"I Think he's Gay"

2006-04-27T04:06:00.000-05:00

So I get an IM from my old college buddy "Slick" the other day - thanking me. For what I ask? Well apparently back in university I told a mutual female friend, who I will refer to as The Blonde, that Slick was in fact gay (which he isn't.. as far as I know). Even though I could not recall this, I could not deny it. In my time, I have called many of my friends gay... and still do (in jest!). Well turns out the Blonde believed me! She even spread rumors about this in the city where Slick lives. Recently Slick was at a get together and a friend of a friend of the Blonde's was also in attendance. She called Slick out on his supposed gayness. Slick, of course, vehemently denied it as any straight male would, "although there's nothing wrong with being gay" he said. As way leads on to way, eventually Slick eventually beds this girl. Now would this have happened w/o my very careful planning almost a decade back in uni? Probably not. So Slick, you're very welcome. I can only hope you would have done the same for me.

Chinese Drinking Games

2006-04-26T01:43:00.000-05:00

I would have posted about this sooner, however, like any dutiful liver of life, I needed to amass an appropriate amount of research. Please note that there are likely many variations to the games listed below, my examples are based on what I most often encountered when forced to go party. So w/o further ado here are my 2 favorite:

1. Liar's Dice - Anywhere from 2 to 8 players. Each player is given a shaker, and five dice. The shakers are shaken, and turned upside down concealing the numbers rolled. Each player then looks at their own dice. Liars Dice is essentially a game involving bluffing and lying.

Each die shows the numbers one to six. A predetermined player begins by announcing the opening bid. For example, if Fred opens, and thinks there are at least seven fives around the table, he would announce this to all the players. The next player either challenges this, or increases the bid. No passing is allowed!

If the next player chooses to increase the bid he may either do so by increasing the value of the die (ie he calls out seven sixes) or by increasing the actual amount of dice (ie he calls out eight threes). After a bid is made anyone can challenge. At that point, all the shakers are lifted and the dice are tallied. If I called Fred out and there were at least seven fives then I chug my drink down. If not, then Fred drinks.

2. Loaded - This is a slightly more dangerous game in that you could get shot in the head with a hand gun, but equally fun nonetheless. Ok, I am kidding, it is also a drinking game involving dice. Six glasses are placed next to one another on the table and are labeled 1 to 6. Each player takes a turn at rolling a die. You then match the value of the die to that of the corresponding glass. If that glass is empty you fill it up with some booze (your discretion on how much you pour in). If that glass contains booze then you must drink it all and roll again. You guys can extrapolate on how this game can get messy very fast...

3. The Hovering Dragon Fly - This is not so much a game as it is an exercise in discipline. I will say no more.

HK: Reloaded

2006-04-24T06:42:00.000-05:00

I took a day off to visit the rents in HK. Stayed in North Point area. Had some quality time with family, then met up with Heinz who was in town for a biz convention. I think I drink too much. It's not to say I am an alcoholic, b/c I am not addicted to the go-go juice, it's just that on the occasions that I do decide to drink I party like a Roman. Is that wrong?

Well after a night of boozing, my dad wakes me up and decides that I need to go to a business lunch with him. I thought we were headed to some corporate luncheon, but what we ended up doing was Dim sum with some old school Chinamen who ordered lot's of shellfish and only allowed me to wash it down with Chinese rice vodka (80 proof). I turned and interesting shade of green, but managed to keep the food down.

Later on I went to dinner with my Mom and some of her friends and had to put up with the "Aww, look at how big you got! Yadda Yadda" More seafood. The hilight of the dinner was a friend of a friend of my mom's. She was younger, late 30's, hot! After dinner, mom told me she was a mainlander who had a very good upbringing and ended up marrying this older rich dude (who was also a friend of my moms). Needless to say she was miserable, but decided to tough the marriage out bc they had 2 kids.

Ladies why do you do that? I see it all the time. Yes, money = security, but it doesn't protect you from misery. I am young and impressionable, and when I am bombarded with images of older, wealthy men with young pretty girls, you know what I think? "Damn, I need to get some ends yo". It's like a Catch 22.

Considering going to Taiwan next week to meet up with the rents during Chinese LAbor Day, but I'm not sure if I will be able too. It would be cool b/c I haven't been since I was a kid. I hear it's loads of fun now, least that what this girl I met on Myspace told me. "COme visit! We can go to all the clubs! (and when you pass out I will harvest your organs!)"

Anywho, that's it. I think I will be back stateside the end of May and stay until mid June. Have another wedding to attend!

Kauboy Out

ps Congrats to my lil'bro who aced the written exam and is the proud owner of a Driving Permit.

Woe is Me

2006-04-19T02:17:00.000-05:00

My damn IPOD is on its way out. Doesn't keep its charge anymore, wtf! i think it's less than 2 years old. Stu taught me how to reset it and that seemed to work, but today, after a night of charging, it crapped out on me on the way to KFC. I had to fucking listen to the Happy Birthday song on loop for 15 excruciating minutes. They love that song there, don't ask me why.

For the second day in a row I managed to put my boxers on backwards. Mr. Happy had to go over the fence instead of through the gate ever time he visited Porcelain City.

So I heard the tram from Manhattan to Roosevelt Island was stuck during rush hour for more than 5 hours! God that must have sucked. Were any of you guys on it? Or know someone who was? I hope so. I want to inside scoop. Was there panic? Did it smell? Did anyone have to pee real bad? That's something I could see happening in CHina. Except we don't have tram technology yet.

It is getting hella hot here. I am covered in sweat every time I go out for lunch. I already rock flip flops to work. It's going to be shorts and tank top soon if this keeps up... it's only April!!!!

Updated my Booty Movie Review Section with the movie Goal!

Also, spotted a rather robust specimen of jumping spider investigating my notebook. I got my camera out to take a pic but had to turn around to answer a coworker's question. Alas, he is gone now. I hope he doesn't jump on me later on in the day - I may scream like a girl. Back stateside I had a jumping spider as a roommate, he was cool. Took out a couple of mosquito's for me. 'An enemy of enemy' as they say.

Leout

Random Thoughts

2006-04-15T01:52:00.000-05:00

1. I have Twisted Sister's, I Wanna Rock, stuck in my head... and I don't mind one bit:

I wanna rock!(Rock!)
I wanna rock!(Rock!)

Turn it down you say
But all I got to say to you is time and time again I say No!
No! No! No!
Tell me not to play
Well, all I got to say to when you tell me not to play I say No!
No! No! No!
So, if you ask me why I like the way I play it
There's only one thing I can say to you

I want to rock!(Rock!)
I wanna rock!(Rock!)

2. Let's GO METS!!!!!! Off to their best start since 1985! Representing Queens to the fullest, baby baby.

3. I will be saving my head tonight. Or as the natives like to call it, going Beckman World Cup.

4. It looks like I will be stuck visiting a fty for Easter. It always depresses me when I have to go to a fty to see the conditions that people have to work. But the manufacturing industry is what puts food on the tables for millions of people in this country. I could make an attempt to unionize the fty workers of China. That would be something wouldnt it? Unfortunately, I'd be on the hitlist of every country that benefits from the cheap labor that China provides... But I would be loved by the people, and that's all I ever really wanted - the love of the people... and perhaps some of the people's beautiful daughters.

Tiesto, Club Yes, Guangzhou

2006-04-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

My memory is somewhat fractured from that night, but one thing was for sure - it was awesome. Below are some pics & and some thoughts that I forced myself to remember through a Chivas & Coke induced fog.

1. Club Yes was hopping. You couldn't tell you were in the middle of China with all the internationals dancing around and all the ferraris parked out front.

2. I'm no house expert but DJ Ricky Stone warmed up the crowd from 9 to midnight and DJ Tiesto tore the house down until sun up.

3. Chivas and coke are a deadly combo.

4. I don't know how I managed to hold onto my camera.

5. The bathroom attendants insisted on giving you a back rub whilst you urinated... no matter how much of a protest you put up.

6. Shout out to my partners in crime for that night: Wekky; Nicole; CJ ; Heinz

7. CJ stands for Carl Johnson. He adopted that name after playing GTA.

dubba dubba dubba china party dot com

2006-04-05T02:56:00.000-05:00

New Biz Idea folks. Last time I was back my COO asked me, "Hey Leo, you telling me you been in China for how long now and you don't have any side schemes to make some extra money?!?!" No I didn't. I was actually concentrating on the task at hand... but the question did get me thinking. However, time and time again, my brain seems to tend toward the path of roguishly criminal endeavors. As such, my latest brainchild consists of luring Americans to the China Party Scene. And believe you me, Discotheque is alive and well in China. For a small fee, I will take the eager adventurers on a tour through the Chinese Underground and let them experience all its shady little nuances.

Heinz, who I first pitched this too, pointed out that this may be dangerous, if not downright illegal. Well I agree, but I ask you this: If it weren't dangerous and/or illegal would it be fun? Would you like to explore the curves of the Great Wall or the curves of a club girl?

You want to take pictures of the Buddha or smoke the Buddha?

Sure we will need waivers that protect us from visitors wanting to file suit after waking up in a seedy motel with their organs harvested, but look at the potential!

My revenue stream would come from both ends. There would be the service charge for the adventurers and I would broker back room deals with all the clubs/bars/hotels/ktv joints where I would make a cut from the money they make off the adventurers.

The Communist Board of Tourism probably won't look too kindly on this either and the prospect of ending up in a Siberian Labor Camp for the rest of my life is a distinct possibility, but no pain, no gain. I have always felt there wasn't enough hardship in my life anyway.

Thoughts? Better yet, anyone want to be my first customer?

It's Like this and Like that and like this and a

2006-04-02T22:45:00.000-05:00

1 - Today is a glorious day, for it is opening day. batter's up.

2 - Had my first English class, I think it went well. I can see the appeal of being a teacher and the rush you get when your student finally gets it. If I had to do this for a job I would prefer to teach in China where you are still allowed to beat the children. I think they learn faster that way.

3 - I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome

4 - Upon receiving the blue screen of death, and being asked whether or not she saved her work stuff, my tax attorney friend, Melissa, responded:

Hahaha, who cares! I don't save lives I do taxes

5 - It's been in the 70's and sunny here so I am about to make my local debut on the b-ball scene. Shenzhen is about to see a sharp rise in broken ankles and FG%.

Peace.

Teaching English

2006-03-31T02:15:00.000-05:00

It looks like I have been elected to teach my colleagues English. Something I wasn't exactly hoping for. Not because I do not want to enlighten my fellow coworkers, but I feel like I would do a poor job. Being able to speak English doesn't exactly mean you can teach it. I mean I have no patience, and too much ambition to be a good teacher (I kid). Alas, when it was announced, everyone was delighted. Being able to speak English in China is like gold here. So this weekend I embark upon preparing my first lesson. Armed with a lesson book that has a business theme, I must figure out a way to break on through to the other side. If I achieve even a moderate degree of success, I plan on printing out screenplays to some of my favorite movies and have them read it aloud. Personally I want to here my rotund dress technician belt out:

We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off.

Good job Mr. Li, and remember, this is your life and its ending one minute at a time.

Fantasy Baseball 2006: Catch the Fever!

2006-03-28T03:30:00.000-05:00

Here is my 2006 team in all its glory. Unfortunately, I had to autodraft bc I was in HKG during the draft. There are some obvious holes that I plan to address ASAP (ie CLOSERS!!!). I think my strength is my loaded OF.

I plan on getting rid of some suspect SP and perhaps trading a bat in the OF to sure up my bullpen. Barring that, my middle IF is not amazing, but serviceable. So much happens during a season so I am not overly worried, especially bc we play on a 5x5 format.

Feel free to offer advice, thoughts, and general well wishing for the 2005 defending Champs: Team Yellow Fever!

HKG: Raid on 3/25

2006-03-26T20:50:00.000-05:00

So Heinz and I raided HKG this past weekend. I originally was not going to go, but after some thinking (always a dangerous act for me) I decided to go against my fear of spontaneity and JUST DOO IT. So we did. Got a nice hotel room in Causeway Bay, had dinner, and proceed to get "crunked", as my German friend put it, from 8PM until 5AM. Being and idiot I forgot to bring a camera so I fear I can't post any pics. However, upon arriving back to my place in SZ and emptying my pockets I think I have enough stuff to create a collage of sorts that would explain how things went down. This will be my pet project for the week. I honestly can't remember the last time I did "art". The theme will be our trip to HK and it will cover the everything between the Happy Hour at our hotel room to the sketchy apartment we ended up in to buy fake watches on the next day. Stay tuned.

Boot Leg Movie Reviews

2006-03-23T00:12:00.000-05:00

I will keep this in the side menu as well so you always have access to my latest booty reviews. I will rate each flick with stars (*) followed by a brief review. The title of the movie will also be a hot link to IMDB if you wish to find out more about it.

X - Watching paint dry would be more entertaining
XX - If you got nothing else to do
XXX - Brainless Entertainment
XXXX - Good Flick
XXXXX - Make it part of your collection

As of 3/22/06

New World X The only thing that saved this movie from zero stars is the scantily clad Native American Actress. People who like perfume commercials will find this movie good, with lines like "He flowed through me like a river". Gag.

Domino XXXX - Hey I wasn't expecting much, didn't this only have a limited release in the states? I thought it was a damn good move. Hot action and hot bodies for guys and gals alike.

Capote XXXX - Hey I am a literature buff and I found it very cool to see how one of the greatest books in American history was written. Philip Seymour Hoffman most deservedly won the Oscar.

As of 3/25/06:

Munich XXXX - Great flick. The underlying themes of revenge, retribution, and spiritual salvation are all boosted by the fact this shit actually happened 30 years ago.

As of 3/29/06:

Underworld: Evolution XXX - Brainless fun, sometimes it's necessary. Freaky vampire-werewolf simulated sex almost shot it up to 4 stars bc of KAte's hottness, but alas, I must uphold some sort of critical integrity! Ok, maybe not, but for what it's worth the sequel was about as good as the original.

As of 4/1/06:

Syriana XXX - This was a good attempt at showing the holistic nature between Big Oil and the unrest in the Middle East. I felt it lacked a certain kick, but that's probably b/c I am a non-fiction junky for this topic and have read numerous books on this topic.

Fun with Dick & Jane XXX - I so wanted to give this 4 stars bc so many parts in this movie had me laughing my ass off. Great rental flick if you are looking for a good laugh.

As of 4/19/06

Goal!XXX - Decent flick by the makers of Mickey Mouse. Details the life of a poor mexican kid amking it big in the English Preimer League (that's soccer). Hunky latino should be a draw for the ladies and underdog sport there will appeal to the dudes. Lot sof cameos incld Brian Johnson (ACDC frontman and Newcastle United maniac), and a sleu (sp.?) of futbol stars incld. Beckham, Zidane and Shearer to name a few.

Also let me know if you want me to watch/review any movies that are out right now or have suggestions for flicks you think I would enjoy.

Urgent, Need Advice!

2006-03-21T05:20:00.000-05:00

The following account takes place this past weekend in the district of Fuyong in the city of Shenzhen in the Province of Guangdong, China. The events that transpired and subsequently documented here will shock and astound you. You most likely have not heard a wilder story, and if you know me, if you really know me, you can only imagine what must have gone through my mind during this entire incident (and if you don't, I will do my best to relate it to you). I tried to keep it as brief as possible, so if you choose to read it I implore you to read it in its entirety and offer me your thoughts:

Due to sheer loneliness out here in China, I promised myself I was going to meet someone new. Therefore, I decided to check out this swanky Japanese club around the corner from my hotel. I figured I would scope the scene, see if there were any interesting folks worth meeting and take it from there. I threw on my black Hugo Boss suit with chalk grey pinstripes, with a black collared CK Milan shirt underneath (not buttoned to the top of course), splash of D&G and head out.

I would love to tell you what the name of this club was, but there was only Japanese characters in purple neon against an dark oak exterior - no windows. As I walk up to the door it opens, and a blast of cool air washes over me, like the club itself exuded some sort of all enveloping energy.

I was greeted by a pretty Chinese hostess who asked me in English if I required a private room or private table. I told her that I just planned on having a drink at the bar. She then asked me if I needed some company and I told her my own company would be fine for right now. She nodded and led me through a dark corridor that opened up to the main bar area.

The entire place was decorated with black surfaces, and soft purple lighting. Most of the patrons being Japanese business men with their escorts, sitting at private tables talking quietly amongst themselves. No one was at the bar when I took a seat.

I ordered a vodka with a lime and had to explain to the bartender how to make it b/c no one (esp azns) ordered vodka straight up around these parts. He then had to have a conversation with the manager about how to charge me and they came up with a completely unacceptable price so I decided to buy the bottle. They assured me they would hold it for me for when I came back. I wasn't so sure there would be any left to come back too b/c this place was pretty dead and the vodka looked like it would be my only company.

So there I was, alone, at a nice bar, staring at out to the rest of the club, through the bottom of my glass, with my back to the bar... Just minding my own business... when a gaggle of young ladies are paraded before me. Their "keeper" who was referred to simply as "Mommy" approaches me and asks if I would like one. Some of them are very beautiful, but I informed her that I wasn't interested. Not taking no for an answer she proceeded to try to sell them to me, going on about how this one was good at this, that and the other thing. I finally had to turn my back to the congregation before they would leave.

As I poured myself another drink, my ears picked up the sound of heels clicking their way toward me over the soft lounge music. In a row of perhaps 15 stools, a young woman sits right next to me. Another escort I think to myself and pretend not to notice as I take a sip. She already has a drink in hand, it looked like a martini, and I notice that she hasn't bothered to even glance at me. The bartender gives us both a quick glance as he passes by. I stare into my drink feeling a bit uneasy, but then I hear her. She is whispering at first and it sounds like she is sobbing. I can't tell if she is talking to me or to herself because she still hasn't turned to me. I figure she must be trying to talk to me because she raises her voice slightly and nods her head in a way that makes me feel like she wants me to pay attention to what she is saying. So I focus.

She is speaking Japanese. I pardon myself in English and say I do not understand. Then, still not looking at me, she places her hand on my wrist. When she finally turns to me the looks of surprise on her face must have mirrored mine because I was staring at quite possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I am talking flawless- a dime. She had on a simple black dress with spaghetti straps that was very becoming. She could have been a movie star, hell she probably was. I honestly wished that I was half Japanese at that point so I could communicate with her.

She stammers in very broken English that she is sorry, that she thought I was Japanese. I say it's ok. I wipe some of her tears away with a napkin and she thanks me. I give her my most winning smile which seemed to brighten her mood slightly, although I suspect she did it simply for my benefit, because before long she was looking quite forlorn again.

I ask her what's the matter and she shakes her head. I pick up my drink and clink it against hers. She smiles quickly, beautifully, and takes a sip. We sit there for a while sharing more than a few drinks, her in quiet contemplation, and me just happy to be in the presence of such a vision. I was getting kinda buzzed, and I assume she was too because she was keeping up with me drink for drink.

Then, without preamble, she tells me her story. I had trouble making it out at first because her English was poor - she even filled in some spots with Japanese when she got frustrated. But I was patient, and eventually gathered that she was here on business, and that business had not gone well and now her job was in danger. I tell her it's ok, what else could I say? I reach out and give her an encouraging embrace on the shoulder - what else could I do? She smiles and starts to tell me that I am kind but doesn't finish because she sees something over my shoulder that bolts her upright and puts a very angry look on her face (still hot even when angry I note to myself).

I turn to look at what is making her angry and stand in time to see a group of men stroll toward us. The one in the front looking very smug. They have a heated exchange in their native dialect. Then he reaches out for her and she backs away clearly disgusted. I grab his wrist and throw it back at him. Well it's on now, I think to myself, and am drunk enough to think I can take out four guys and protect the girl at the same time. I stand there, waiting for them to make the first move, but they never do. The smug guy looks me up and down, snorts and turns to head to the back area of the bar toward the private rooms. The gaggle of girls with their Mommy, who kept a respectful distance during that exchange, trails them.

The girl, whose name I have yet to catch, grabs me and begins to lead me out of the bar. As I head out, I turn back to the bartender who has a huge smile on his face and is giving me a thumbs up - I point over my shoulder to the half full bottle of vodka and he nods and puts it away.

We are out of the bar and headed down the street when I motion for her to stop. I ask her what her name is. She says Reon. Ok Reon, my hotel is right there I point, and am about to ask her where her hotel is but she doesn't give me the chance. She smiles and drags me in that direction. Well yay I think. Yay. This is just like the movies and I am the big hero. I may not have been lucky in love recently, but I love getting lucky and in my drunken state I pat myself on the back and tell myself, well done kauboy, well fucking done.

We get in the elevator and she lays one on me. I wish I was on the fourteenth floor instead of the fourth. Three steps into my room and she is completely naked. She scampers into the bedroom like she's been here before. I follow. See doesn't shut the lights off in time and I get a preview that made me think this is going to be as awesome as I thought it would be. And as I stood there taking off my jacket I notice some movement in the reflection of the mirror on my closet. It looked like a man was stepping out from behind the curtains. I hear Reon giggle underneath the sheets and I hear her say something to the effect that she thinks this is the hotel that her and her husband are staying at, but I can't be sure. I look back in the mirror and see that there is a man advancing across my hotel room. So here's my question: Should I wear the camel colored Canali suit next time I go to that club or should I stick with my lucky Hugo Boss? Gotcha.

The Long Awaited... Asian Toilet!

2006-03-17T01:18:00.000-05:00

Here you are folks. The place where I do my business, the oriental way:

squatting isn't so bad if your knees aren't arthritic.

the asians are coming!

2006-03-15T02:38:00.000-05:00

"It's tough when they come at you in so many ways, from so many arm slots and release points," says Team USA first baseman Mark Teixeira. "You can't get in a rhythm against them."

Most experts will agree that that Mark Teixeira is a lock for going 30-100 for the next 5 to 10 seasons. He is that good, and the "they" that he is referring to are the Asian ball clubs. Be impressed, be very impressed.

I will be the first to admit that I wasn't exactly optimistic about the World Baseball Classic - and I was letting the "I told ya so's" fly during the first round when teams were getting mercy ruled.

But the second round, oh man the second round.

Korea beat the USA!!! And Japan should have as well if it weren't for a bum call by an ump. The Latin teams are getting all the hype, and rightly so, as their teams, barring Cuba*, seem like the starting lineups from last season's All Star game. But guess what? Korea is undefeated and Japan has 2 losses (one to Korea and the other to said ump). How great is this? Can you imagine how nutz Seoul must have been during this game? And you can bet your ass that there were at least a few high fives north of the 38th parallel as well.

That's why baseball is great. It involves physicality and discipline and what you lack in one you can most certainly make up in the other, enabling people of all shapes and sizes to compete successfully at the highest levels (see David Wells). What other team sport can boast that?

It's March and I am probably just getting an early case of baseball fever, but I am looking forward to seeing these players in the Majors and in future Classics.

*Cuba may not sport any all stars but they having been owning international competition for the better part of 3 decades

China's 5 Year Plan: 2006-2010

2006-03-14T04:36:00.000-05:00

Excerpts from CNN international:

That red-hot pace has lifted China to a position as the world's fourth-largest economy in 2006, behind the United States, Japan and Germany, and ahead of the United Kingdom and France.

But its new target is an average 7.5 percent a year between now and 2010, as the Beijing leadership strives to improve China's economic efficiency and soothe some of the social strains that are emerging among its 1.3 billion people, about 150 million of whom live below the international poverty line...

...China's total measurable economic output in 2005 was $2.2 trillion, for a per capita income of $1,700. But that may understate the true picture.

Chicago-based economist David Hale, who has just completed a landmark study of China's growth, says that on a purchasing-power basis, China's real GDP is "probably already at $5 to 6 trillion and thus No. 2 in the world."

.

Well it's good that the gov recognizes the growing gap between the have and the have not's will be a major source of domestic instability. However, it remains to be seen what public works/projects/program they put into place to help the poor. Personally, I'm not too optimistic and think the powers that be are simply paying lip service to the growing international outcry regarding China's poverty stricken. We shall see.

World Baseball Classic

2006-03-12T20:37:00.000-05:00

A 16-team international tournament divided into four pools of four teams each...

Have any of you been watching this? I can't get it here in China but judging by post game recaps there are some damn exciting games being played. Unless of course you were on the Chinese or Taiwanese teams who kept getting the mercy rule called on them. Based on my lineage I bet I would have been eligible to make one of those teams. I can't hit, field or throw all that well but I bet I could charge the mound and beat the shit out of a pitcher or two before the rest of his team tackles me.

I am rooting for team USA and team Cuba. Can you imagine what that would like? Win or lose at least 5 Cubans would defect and hopefully join the Mets aka the Latin Allstars.

This & That:

check out that cool Simpson's Quote generator!

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

E-Fiction

2006-03-09T04:01:00.000-05:00

No Internet? No problem! So I am stuck in a shitty motel in parts unknown China. Work thought I would be here next week so I don't get to stay at the posh place until then. There's nothing like stained walls, stained carpets, and a fucking condom dispenser in the bathroom to get your juices flowing. No, not those juices you asshole! I'm talking creativity, here is my latest - a work in progress simply titled, The Bar:

Kieran smiled to herself. It took a lot of control not to laugh outright, although the sake was trying its best to goad her into a public display of happiness. Not that anyone would have noticed in the crowded hotel bar. Victory, she thought. To think her father’s colleagues protested the idea of sending his daughter to China to close the deal -and then ridiculed him behind his back when he finally decided to do so! Who’s laughing now, she thought as she stared into her fourth shot. Then, with a yelp, she spilled it.

She spun around to see a balding Japanese man with thick bifocals grinning at her. She could not fathom why foreign business trips turned the men of her country into complete perverts. This would be the third time tonight she would have to box a man’s ears for inappropriate behavior. Not satisfied with the horrified look on the man’s face as he slunk away, she screamed out a couple of phrases in his native tongue letting him know he was an embarrassment to his country, and most likely an embarrassment in bed judging by the size of his feet.

Not about to let some misguided idiot ruin her celebrations, Kieran turned back and began to pour herself another shot when she was interrupted by a chuckle most certainly directed at her. She was really going to have to start striking at some pressure points; men were unbelievable. Looking up, wondering where to deliver a blow, she was taken aback to see an American standing at her table side. He was large, so if he decided to act foolishly it would have to be a quick blow to the windpipe, perhaps even the testicles. Luckily for him he did nothing but speak.

“That was awesome, I mean whack! You let him have it,” he said and chuckled again. Kieran offered no response, he was simply pointing out the obvious. Not to be put off by her lack of a reaction he continued. “Listen, this seems to be the only empty seat in the house, and I was wondering if I could join you. I had a tough day, just want to down my beer in peace, promise I won’t bother you - what do ya say?” Kieran considered this for a second and finally assented by nodding to the empty stool across from her. He seemed well mannered enough and his presence, if nothing else, would ward off any other potential ass grabbers for the rest of the night. “Thanks, I was beginning to think you didn’t speak English,” he said, but before he took the seat he offered his hand and bowed his head slightly. “It would be rude of me not to introduce myself, my name is Ray, Ray Philips.”

He had a pleasant way about him, was pleasing to the eye, and was probably the most polite man in the bar. Kieran took his hand and murmured, “Kieran, Kieran Saiyaka,” while offering a slight bow of her head in return.

“Pleased to meet you Kieran,” he said while taking a seat. “I just want to say again how impressed I am. I have never seen anything like that around here. Most women would have just tolerated that.” She smiled and peered under the table briefly.

“Something the matter?” Ray said.

“You have big feet.”